| The Name Behind the News |
December 27, 2020 Edition 18: Happy New Year! |
| | | | |
| Welcome to the final Edition of 2020! It's been a wild ride, folks. I couldn't have done this without your support. And speaking of support...
To celebrate the end of a terrible year, I'm proud to announce our new Rewards Program (for real)! If you get just 5 friends to sign up, you'll receive three Scott's Edition magnets. Share with friends using this link. We'll email you once you get your five referrals! |
| | | | |
| | | 363, ↑ 358 since last week. |
| | | | |
| Days Until Trump is Out of Office |
| | | | | | |
| Days Until New Year's Day |
| | | | | | |
| Richmond Men's Basketball Record |
| | | | | | |
| # of Days Left to Watch The Office on Netflix
|
| | | | | | |
| In Richmond, we've got sun to start and end the week with a couple of rainy days in the middle. Some might call that a Sundwich! But I wouldn't. That sounds silly. |
| | | | |
| Sustainable Sleighs: Santa and his Elves increased their focus on sustainability this year as millions of naughty children opened their stockings on Christmas morning to discover they were filled with solar panels.
|
| | | | | | |
| | | UK Worries: A new coronavirus variant has emerged in the United Kingdom. While it is no less deadly, it is reportedly more contagious, speaks in a pompous accent, and prefers you spell it “coronaviruse.” Joke making fun of British people… checke!
|
| | | | |
| Boxing Day: Fake holiday lovers across the world celebrated Boxing Day yesterday, though because of growing concerns around the coronavirus, it was held on Fight Island. |
| | | | | | |
| SPONSORED BY PARDONS BY TRUMP™ |
Don't You Deserve One Too? |
| | | | |
| The punishment doesn’t always fit the crime. A year of jail time for getting caught smoking a joint? A decade on the sex offender registry for streaking while in college? A federal investigation for colluding with Russia to influence U.S. elections? I mean, where does it end?!
It ends here, with Pardons By Trump. The outgoing administration has set up a state-of-the-art system to receive, process, and approve your pardon, commutation, or amnesty request. The system involves taking submitted requests to a basement office in the White House where a nodding bobblehead of Mike Pence acts as the official approval mechanism (Ted Cruz comes by every fifteen minutes to give the bobblehead a nudge).
Don’t spend another second worrying about your political corruption, treason, or murder of unarmed civilians. Get your Pardons by Trump today! |
| | | | |
| Although Congress passed a COVID relief bill this past week, Trump has stated he will refuse to sign it. The President has called for the inclusion of $2,000 stimulus checks in lieu of the $600 checks currently in the bill as well as trimming “the pork.” By “pork,” Trump is referring to the litany of unrelated budgetary items in the bill like funding for new museums, prohibitions on “doping” in horseracing, and warnings against China interfering with choosing the next Dalai Llama. Sadly, all those things are real. As a Washington insider, I got to sit in as a select Congressional group discussed the revisions. Mitch McConnell: Okay, folks. $600 is not enough! We need $2,000. You heard The President!
Kamala Harris: Mitch, we’ve literally been saying this for weeks. We’re on board.
Bernie Sanders: As long as you include universal healthcare, I’m good.
Harris: No, Bernie. That’s not what this bill is –
Nancy Pelosi: Does anyone have a hard candy?
Harris: Nancy, please. Let’s try to focus on –
Lindsey Graham: We need to lower the amount of the stimulus checks!
McConnell: Lindsey, President Trump just said he wants to increase the amount.
Graham: Exactly! We need to increase the amount of the stimulus checks!
Sanders: Universal healthcare!
Harris: Bernie… We’re not even discussing that –
Ted Cruz: We need to help the rich! They’re only slightly richer than they used to be!
Sanders: Healtchare!!!
Harris: SHUT THE FUCK UP, BERNIE!
Pelosi: I’m going to go take a nap on the davenport. Let me know if anyone needs me.
Just fantastic. There’s nothing that the great minds of our generation can’t accomplish! We’ll check back in on this story as it develops.
|
| | | | |
| Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader. Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly for December 27, 2020
We see our two protagonists, who happen to be birds, bundled up on a cold winter day. There's snow on the ground and they're standing outside of their house that is a tree (their house is a tree because they're birds; hilarious!). One of our feathered friends is looking into a telescope. The other asks him, "If there are people on other planets, why don't they contact us?" To which the original character replies, "Would you?" Hahaha. He doesn't think other intelligent life forms find humanity worthy enough to even say hi to! That's some top notch humor!
|
| | | | |
| Every December, little boys and girls around the world renew their love for Santa Claus. But there’s another, lesser known character that visits during the holiday season that deserves some appreciation: Nancy New Year. No, she’s not a jolly, white-bearded man from the North Pole. Instead, she’s a surly, scratchy voiced chain smoker from Staten Island. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t magical. Every New Year’s Eve, after partyers have made their toasts, kissed their significant others, and returned home to sleep, Nancy arrives. She sneaks into each person’s home through their laundry vent, leaves a Juul in their medicine cabinet, and then polishes off their half-finished bottle of Burnett’s. When she’s done, Nancy stumbles back out of the vent and into her massage chair that’s pulled by her nine calico cats, the leader of whom has a bright pink bald patch. The cats spring into action and magically lift the massage sleigh into the sewers as Nancy charismatically shouts *Cough, cough, cough*, Happy New Year! On this New Year’s Eve, make sure to stay safe, stay healthy, and keep an eye out for Nancy. But, if you miss her, you can book an appoint the next day. The other 364 days per year, she’s a hairdresser at Cassandra’s Salon & Tanning in Tottenville. |
| | | | |
| Thanks for reading, and Happy New Year!
Happy Birthday to my Grandfather (who turned 24 again this year) and Brandon E.!
Please share this with your friends and family who might get a kick out of it.
If you have ideas or want to be involved in creating content for the newsletter, just reply to this email. Was this email forwarded to you? Sign up here! I'm Scott, and this is Scott's Edition. Have a great start to the week! |
| | | | |
|
