December 20, 2020

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December 20, 2020

Edition 17: Christmas Crisis

Happy Triple Date Day! Twenty twenty-twenty, that is. This only happens twelve times this year, so it's definitely something worth celebrating.



Although writing Scott's Edition is my full time job, I spend about 50 hours each week at my side hustle. A bunch of my co-side-hustlers subscribed on Friday, so I really have to step my game up. On the plus side, "up" is the only direction this newsletter can go! On the downside, I'm still the one writing it, so improvement seems unlikely. With that vote of self confidence, let's dive into this week's news!

Days Until Christmas

5, ↓ 7 since last week.

Days Until Trump is Out of Office

Exactly 1 Month

Richmond Men's Basketball Record

6-1

# of Days Left to Watch The Office on Netflix

12

# of Approved COVID Vaccines in the U.S.

2, ↑ 1 since last week!

In Richmond, expect highs in the 50s and lows in the 20s this week. Just like Leonardo DiCaprio's relationships.

Biden Wins: After Hawaii cast the final vote on Monday, the U.S. officially certified Biden as the winner of the 2020 Presidential Election. However, Trump continues to dispute the results and has allegedly asked his mom to write a note to the teacher to complain.

Government Hack: Reports emerged this week that the U.S. government was hacked. Though the initial investigation blames Russia, a Senior White House Advisor explains the hack likely relates to Eric Trump attempting to bypass the parental controls on his Netflix account in an effort to watch Holidate.

Google Outage: The search engine and email service provider experienced widespread downtime on Monday morning, leaving users helpless. An investigation shows this outage was likely the result of foul play by a former competitor named Marcus Thomas Jeeves. When asked about this employee, CEO Sundar Pichai suggested that we "Ask Jeeves" directly.

In today's work-from-home, always-on world, there are just TOO MANY distractions! You have to walk the dog, prepare three meals a day, AND convince your kids you care about them. Who has time for all that? Then, throw in the fact that you have to hit the head seven times per day and you BARELY have time to work! Don't fret! The Everything Chair has you covered.



The Everything Chair combines the ergonomic comfort of a Herman Miller with the convenience and flush power of a Kohler. Worried about the smell? Don't be! The Everything Chair sends your plumbing straight from your home to the office that you're no longer using! 



Order today and we'll throw in our Everything Pants for free! These cotton blend khakis include an easy-to-use button down flap right where you need one. Get yours now!

Days from Christmas, it appears that the North Pole bubble has burst. Though the story is still developing, reports indicate that hundreds of Santa's Helpers have contracted the novel coronavirus. Notorious procrastinators, the Elves complete 80% of gift production in the final week before Christmas, making this outbreak particularly worrisome. Gooby McLooby, the Chief Safety and Syrup Officer, has ordered a temporary factory shutdown as the Elvish Resources team conducts a comprehensive contact tracing program.



In today's press conference, Mr. McLooby looked frazzled as he offered, "Our management team has contingency plans for all sorts of situations so that we keep the factory running and get these toys out to the millions of parents who can't afford to buy gifts for their own children. If an Elf breaks his leg, we have candy canes available for them to use. If an Elf gives birth, we give her two months of maternity holly. But this is different. With hundreds of Elves out of commission, this situation has really snowballed. Right now, we're just trying to comply with all of the rules set out by our CDC." Mr. McLooby was referring to the Center for Decorations and Candy.



"It had to be Pimply Shmeckelson," an unnamed Elf explained, referring to the factory's Production Supervisor. "He ignored the travel ban when he visited New York City to see his cousin last week. He's been asymptomatic since he got back, but his cousin tested positive!" Mr. Shmeckelson is, of course, distantly related to former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani who tested positive for COVID-19 on December 6.

Cousins Rudy Giuliani and Pimply Shmeckelson seen on the Lower East Side on December 2, days before the former Mayor was diagnosed with COVID-19.

While this situation is even darker than the 24/7 lack of sun experienced at the North Pole, the one bright spot is that Father Christmas seems perfectly healthy. 



"It's a good thing I stopped hanging out with the Elves years ago," Kris Kringle explained over the phone. "They're fine people, but I got into a few sticky situations with them. I mean that literally. Somehow, their hands are just always covered in syrup. Gross. Anyway, we're all trying to figure this situation out. Maybe we can follow the United States Congress's lead and pass a gift relief package this year where we just deliver half a stick of gum and a guy that comes and punches you in the stomach. Seems to work for the Americans."



Scott's Edition is monitoring the situation up North and will provide news updates throughout the week on our Twitter account. Hopefully, the Elves can get the workshop up and running in time for Santa's big night. 

And of course...

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.



Loose Parts by Dave Blazek for December 20, 2020



This week, we have a single panel cartoon. A large sleigh filled with presents is parked on a snow-covered, suburban front lawn. Two reindeer, one of which has a red nose, watch as ole Saint Nick is down on one knee. He's reaching for a detonator which is wired to six sticks of dynamite that are taped to the side of the house. Santa states, "All I'm saying is, just this once, I am not going in through a stupid chimney."

Laugh out loud! The joke is that Santa would normally only be charged with breaking and entering, but now he'll also add destruction of property to his rap sheet. Merry Christmas!

Thanks for reading, and Happy Holidays! 

Happy Birthday to Amanda C., Paige T., and Jesus C.

 

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I'm Scott, and this is Scott's Edition. Have a great start to the week!